Ok, so let's look at the great movie duels so far.

Think Obi-Wan Vs Anakin...

Think King Kong Vs Godzilla...

Think Bruce Lee Vs The Guy With The Metallic Claw Hand in the room with loads of mirrors...

Think Superman Vs Lex Luthor (Or Richard Pryor)...

Think Optimus Prime Vs Megatron...

Think Robin Hood Vs The Sheriff of Nottingham...

Think Alien Vs Predator...

Think Harry Potter Vs Voldemort...

Think The Fellowship of the Ring Vs Sauron's armies...

Think Sherlock Holmes Vs Moriarty fighting near the edge of some waterfall...

Think the Magnificent Seven (Cowboys or Samurai) Vs Everyone Else in the World...

Ok, good. We've set the scene.

Now, Have you heard of the 'Leprechaun' movies? And heard of the 'Wishmaster' movies?

Running along pretty much exactly the same plotlines as the 'Freddy Vs Jason' film, we give you 'Leprechaun Vs Wishmaster'. B-movie heaven!- let's fight!

*overheard in a conversation between Bonobo's mum and dad. Dad is eating lunch and watching Portugal V Iran, Mum is busy poaching an egg, not really interested in the world cup.*

Dad (with mouth slightly full): Look, its Portugal Vs Iran."

Mum: "Reading?"

My mum is priceless and a font of wisdom. She once gave me advice that, when trying to get something you really want, you should always "go for the bladder".

Thanks mum. x.

I'm quite ill at the moment. I have a bad case of the trots, 24 hours trots to be precise...

I think I picked this little bug up on Tuesday of last week, my stomach didn't feel so good on Wednesday, Thursday was utter hell and today has been about 10% better than Thursday...

My stomach keeps fooling me into thinking I'm better. It will be really calm and relaxed and then I'll be just about to celebrate the fact that I don't have to live my life sat on a toilet, when it erupts again...

I've never had this before, and its come with a whole load of other symptoms- nausea, headaches, shivers and sneezing; although most of those have gone now. Only the intense knife twisting stomach cramps remain along with regular toilet breaks...

I bloody well hate it. Mind you, could be worse. I could be on holiday, miles from the nearest chemists or (god forbid) toilet...

Ah... Mahoney. Poor ol' Mahoney. He was my pet dog... My pretend invisible pet dog. But a few days ago he completely disappeared.

I used to take him for fake walks in my head all of the time; first thing in the morning just before the sun came up (although recently that's been getting way too early for both of us...) and last thing at night. We'd have days out to places that I've just made up, to the park, to the zoo, to the cinema and even the beach. Yeah, he used to like the beach. We'd go running down the sand dunes of a non- specific beach and run into the clear blue water, splashing everywhere. He'd probably get wet and chase a seagull. I'd get wet too and chase a crab or something whilst laughing my head off, and then we'd get back to the car and I'd feed him some salad sandwiches. He chomp them down heartily and then go to sleep in the boot.

Well the other day I woke up one morning and noticed that Mahoney wasn't his usual self. He hadn't bothered buying a paper and the kettle hadn't been turned on. Usually he's first up and would sort all of that technical stuff out. But on this morning he was a bit.. Well, distracted. I led my fictional dog into my car and we drove to Matalan because I needed to buy a leg of lamb. Well! I had to leave Mahoney in the car because you can't let dogs into Matalan because they try on sandals and try to mess up the barcodes so he stayed in my car. It was a hot day so I let the windows right down so he could get a breeze on his face.

When I came back about 10 minutes later I noticed my car stereo had vanished along with my birth certificate, passport, bank statements and lump of gold that I'd left on the passenger seat. It seems that Mahoney had wanted a better life than the one he currently had and decided to leave me.

So instead I have a cat now and she's great fun. Infact she is way more independent than Mahoney ever was. And a lot more considerate. We get on very well and she can beat me at Quake 4. She has told me that her name is Suzy Wilkins.