Sunday, February 27, 2005


The Sunday Saviour

It's that time again. Please, enter, sit down on these here pews and gather your thoughts as we once again praise be the men and women who have lived, strived and survived to bring a little corner of heaven into our *This bit must be spoken like the Emperor in Star Wars* pitiful little lives.

Remember, marks out of ten is what we be needing..

This week:

Prayer No.2: Hugo Myatt

You may not be familiar with the name, more the mean and moody visage.

He was the presenter, nay the dungeon keeper of the much loved and sorely missed 'Knightmare'.

By doing this he helped to support and promote the whole 'Dungeons & Dragons', 'Swords & Sorcery' ethos to a wider and younger audience as it was aired for CITV.

Through his work was heralded the first type of interactive computer generated style of television programme.

I say 'computer generated'...

...What I mean is it was a bunch of kids standing infront of a blue chromakey background.

But back in the day, wasn't it so real?

So real you could almost go back into the labyrinth and solve all of those puzzles again?

Meet all of those friendly and scary characters, your foes and friends and those huge huge spiders that slowly approached you if you didn't get out in the nick of time?

You and your friends.. in the dark, near the shadows...

...Those shadows which whisper and have yellow blinking eyes...

...Think you could go back into the 'Knightmare' again?...

Caution team...

"Thank you Hugo. B + C x".

Thursday, February 24, 2005


ADSL: Premium Driver Qualification

Consonant reader,

ADSL. It stands for Advanced Driving Skills Licence.

You were never taught them in your 'official' driving test, because, really they're the sort of things you have to chalk up to pure experience on the road.

Driving with one hand is probably the first move towards gaining your ADSL. That casual pose where one hand is elsewhere, scratching something or maybe someone, whilst the other hand grips the steering wheel nervously.

Soon that cautious hand relaxes after a few more drives, and ends up not as a white- knuckled, just a hooked thumb gripped at the bottom of the wheel.

At this stage you have reached the first stage of ADSL. And you probably didn't even know it. Well done.

Advances in this discipline will now vary from;

- changing gear with the wrong hand whilst eating haribo tangfastics

- changing a tape/ CD in the pitch black

- leaning down into the passenger footwell to grab a bottle of coke you'd just bought from a petrol station; but you'd braked a mile ago and it shot forward of the passenger seat disappearing into the void.. and now its suddenly become the most sought after drink in the world.

- drinking the coke afterwards in heavily congested traffic where you have to switch lanes, reduce and increase car speed; demanding complex gear changes and constant changes in peripheral vision

Of course, there are too many to mention but each action is noted down as further progress into the study of ADSL.

Today, I gained further entry into ADSL by putting on headphones and finding the right song to play, fiddling with my mobile phone, opening and eating a pack of crisps (Walker Snaps: Spicy Tomato flavour- good lord..) and trying to put change back into my wallet whilst trying to turn onto a main road in Hereford.

You can't learn it.

B x.


Wigging It

You know they say it’s easy to spot somebody wearing a wig?

It’s true.

I tried on a wig yesterday and spotted at least 4 people.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Snot Subtle

Okay, we'll hold our hands up, the colour of this blog is pretty grim. It looks like a mishap in Grotbags pants. There have already been loads of comments coming in about it's overly-green horridness so we are pretty much all agreed on that.

BUT- what we have mixed opinion on is the weight of the font. Me and Bonobo are happy with a narrow font but some feedback suggests that BOLD might be better because it will be easier to read.

So I thought I'd throw it open. Can you read the normal okay or had we better buy bold? Every vote counts.

Monday, February 21, 2005


Quick Green Kit Kat From Japan Post

Consonant reader,


I tried one of these a few evenings ago, sent to me by a friend who teaches in Japan. A green kit- kat. It was lovely, tasted just like you'd expect; yet it was also wrong.

Whatever next? Red minstrels? Purple lion bars? Or how about, just to get really silly; blue smarties?..

B x.


They’ve got the Know-how!

They certainly have! Those crazy kids at Knorr. They who live on the cutting edge of cook-in-sauce thinking. Yes folks - the finest brains in the world of stir-in/heat up comestible ease have done it again.

Beef Tonight! - And it only took them 11 years!!!

You’d have thought, would you not, that after 'Chicken Tonight' - ‘Beef Tonight’ was perhaps the logical next step?

Well think again! Here’s a run-down of what they have been up to…

Year 1 –
Mr Knorr A: “Okay guys, well done! We’ve come up with a highly marketable idea – Chicken Tonight sauces.”
Mr Knorr B: “Yes, We’ve got people all over the country singing the jingle and impersonating chickens like in the advert.”
Mr Knorr C: “Early signs show this is going to be a highly successful brand”

Year 2 –
Mr Knorr A: “Shall we perhaps think of another sauce type that could be equally popular if we launch it off the back of Chicken Tonight’s success?”
Mr Knorr B: “Nah, fuck it. Chicken Tonight is still selling well, lets go and get pissed”

Year 6 –
Mr Knorr A: “Okay, sales are down - now we need another cook-in-sauce.
Mr Knorr B: “Hmmmm, what are you thinking?
Mr Knorr C: “How about ‘Concrete Tonight’?”
Mr Knorr B: “Hmmm”

Year 8 –
Mr Knorr C: “Speedboats tonight?”
Mr Knorr A: “No”

Year 9 –
Mr Knorr C: “Turds tonight?”
Mr Knorr B: “No, definitely not”

Year 10 –
Mr Knorr C: “Giraffe tonight?”
Mr Knorr A: “Hmmm, not quite”

Year 11 –
Mr Knorr C: “I can’t believe – it’s been staring me in the face! Why didn’t I see it before!”
Mr Knorr A: “What?”
Mr Knorr C: “Bovine tonight!!”
Altogether: “Ahhhhhhh!”

Watch out for the launch of Pork Tonight – currently scheduled for Autumn 3017.

Sunday, February 20, 2005


The Sunday Saviour

Each Sunday, we pay ultimate gracious homage to those individuals who have lended their own blessed talents to enrich our otherwise humdrum lives.

As feedback, it is important that you tell us how much of a saviour the individual is, therefore a mark out of 10 would be greatly appreciated.

Thats it.

This week:

Prayer No.1: Bob Carolgees

This man helped us on Saturday mornings all those hazy years ago in TISWAS.

He advertised Hellman's mayonnaise in the mid 80's.

He now entertains in local venues across the UK.

Let us pray and amen to a dog handed hairy lipped northener with a very distinctive surname.



Flippin' 'eck - you've found our new interweb site very quickly indeed. Lord yes, we've only just exchanged keys! Well, here's where it will happen, on a web page that looks as though it has been shagged improperly by an enormous lime. But I'm afraid you're a bit too early - we haven't properly unpacked and we're still trying to sort out the chuffin' template. Please pop round with a casserole in a day or two, that'd be ace.


C + B x

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