Friday, June 24, 2005


Sets Please - We're British

It’s been a while. But after a month or two on the sidelines I have dusted off my soapbox and am ready to face the world again.

It must be an amazing feeling to be the focus of national attention as sporting hero. Look at the likes of David Beckham, Jonny Wilkinson and Andrew Flintoff. These guys have the star appeal in their sports – they are the main men - but I can’t help wondering whether it would be a bigger buzz being an individual sporting icon rather than being part of a team. I mean, you have a bad day on a team, and chances are a team mate will help you out (or more likely you’ll get substituted!) Do they not say that no individual is bigger than the team?

With a sport like tennis the individual can go out there and do it all themselves. Be a hero. Perform magic. Take the crowd through all your emotions, the ups and downs, the disappointment and the jubilation

So - Andy Murray. Good lad. Well done that man. We’ll have some more of that son. Yes please. Plenty more.

But at the same time would the world please get off Tim Henman’s back. For fucks sake. Here is a guy who has done more for British tennis than anyone since Fred Perry – something like 70 years. Henman has reached 4 Wimbledon semi finals, before him we were chuffed if Jeremy smegging Bates got past round 1. When Tim came along the country got excited about tennis. There was a national belief in Henman, and on several occasions he looked as though he had the ability to deliver.

So reading on a chatroom earlier that…………… "Henman has always been a loser", and hearing my mate’s dad scoffing last night "The King is dead? Pah – Henman’s never been a king – a queen more like – the way he plays"……………just saddens the heart and makes me angry.

Okay so Tim has never won Wimbledon, and he never will win Wimbledon. But he came fucking close a couple of times, he held a ranking in the world top 20 for the best part of a decade and what he has done for the profile of the sport in this country should never be underestimated.

So he went out in Round 2? So what? Tim Henman is not a loser, in terms of British tennis, he is a legend – and he deserves far more respect than he is given by these narrow-minded wankers who call themselves sports journalists.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


The Sunday Saviour

I know it's a Wednesday instead of a Sunday...

Well, can you blame me? I thought Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were way too hot to do any kind of blogging. All I wanted to do was relax in the shade with a cool drink of kia-ora watching the day go by.

Which it did. But I had no kia-ora. Damn. And apparently someone also told me it's too orangey for crows. Double damn.

Anyway, let's keep the Church doors open this week shall we? It's getting hot in here, so take off any warm clothes you initially thought you needed to bring to this service but now don't.

This week a firm favourite I'm sure- not that I'm going for 'popular' characters you understand here.. No no no, I'm not all that sister, no not me. This guy, or rather these guys have shown us the full spectrum of time and space, and made us crap our pants from time to time.. Marks out of ten please..

Prayer No.14: Doctor Who

What started out as a humble children's television series in 1963 soon rocketed to become a science fiction mainstay in the BBC schedule...

Ok, possibly the coolest time traveller the world has ever known. Perhaps what makes him more special is the fact he travels through space and time not in a sleek chrome plated fusion powered hyperdriven particle fluctuator but an old fashioned police box...

The Doctor, in all his carnations has shown us all of the wonderous areas of the universe, but most of his adventures happen on earth and involve the the U.N.I.T. special trained task force or the police if things get out of hand.

He hates the Daleks.

The Daleks hate him.

He's a god-damned timelord. That means he's from Gallifrey and can regenerate when things get too tough. He can do many wondrous things with a sonic screwdriver. Can you do that? No. Didn't think you could.

I was an ardent fan as a little'un and it has taken me years to wean myself off it. It's just a shame that the BBC decided to make another series which has, in my humble opnion, proved to be abso-fab. And which has stirred my addiction once more (..did someone just say "geek"?- back of the class!)

He can be cunning, he can crack jokes, he can be deadly serious at times, he's loving to the people he meets; essentially he's everything your favourite uncle should ever be, apart from have two hearts.

"Thank you Doctor. You're a bloody crackin' timelord."- B + C + W x

(...Ok then, for those in the know and if you want to; list your favourite Doctor and why..)

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Musical instruments

The other week I ate a pot noodle (I'm sorry, it was an accident). I was surprised to find that I had won a Pot Noodle horn. I sent off the details via text message and I got a message back saying it would take about 10 working days to arrive. Today it arrived in the post and I must say I've never felt happier about any horn arriving through the postbox. It's awesome! It's so loud! But that's not the only musical instrument I've been excited about today...

I did no teaching today. Instead of a day filled with fulfilling the educational potential of my little darlings, I had a training course. It was held at school so I didn't have to travel very far. It was cool because I learnt a lot and ate a lot of free food.

Afterwards myself and a member of my department (Let's call him Badger, because actually that's his nickname- related to the fact that he, in some small way, resembles a badger) decided to amble off to the music department and rock out. I'd brought some drumsticks along with me that I'd once nicked off the stage after a Silver Sun concert back in the day, and Badger had brought his electrical axe. I thought, "Hell, I can just hit the snare, I've got a bit of rhythym, I can do it. It'll be drowned out by the guitar, after all Badger plays in a rock band outside of school."

We jammed for half an hour.

And today I realised I can drum! I can play the drums with drumsticks, I can bop the bass drum with my right foot, use the sticks to tom- tom the tom- toms and hit the snare again and again and hit the high hat like there's no tomorrow!

Ok, it was my first proper attempt and, at times I was cleanly forgetting to hit certain bits, I mean, you clearly are using four of your limbs to do different things a different speeds at different times...

...And I did sound very edgy and wooden I must admit, but hey, I'll also admit I was pretty dash good too because, well, I like to blow my own trumpet (or horn). At the end of the session Badger said I wasn't bad, and Badger had played some really sh*t hot guitar so I felt I had to return the compliment somewhat.


I knew all of those years listening to the Zep would pay off.

Above: Bill Bruford, a drummer who does not resemble Bonobo Love in this picture but who is playing a drum kit for illustrative purposes.

Monday, June 13, 2005


The Sunday Saviour

The time has come once again for you to put your sunday best on, that means your best suit, your best dress, your best pair of culottes, your best wig, your best vest, your best pipe and your most favourite episode of 'The Young Ones'.

Let's shut the door, rub down the altar (Why? I don't know, perhaps altars need rubbing a lot), light the big fat candles all around, put Judas Priest on half- speed and play the LP backwards and lower the goat into the-

-Sorry, wrong freakin' church!-

*runs out of the Pagan Institute For Hillbillies and runs back into the Church Of Praise*

...There, that's better. Everythings now ready. Let's get things moving shall we?

This guy (sorry, another guy here) has resulted in giving me countless nightmares of being trapped and bothered by certain undesirable types...

Ok, I'll cut to the chase- it's Zombies. Motherhumping zombies. I just can't stand them. If you listed my all time number one fear, it's bloody zombies and I mean BLOODY zombies. I don't even like typing out the word, so I'm going to stop. Let's just say, to this day, I still can't watch the video to 'Thriller' without leaving the room.

He's well known for being a bit of a frightmeister. He's probably not well known for anything else.

One (and there are a lot out there) of many influential and seminal directors to get our blood chilling to the bone and give us sleepless nights. (Yeah, thanks for that one dude..) - Remember, marks out of ten, comments as usual etc...

Prayer No.13: George A. Romero

Filmed on a shoestring, the first film in the series 'Night Of The Living Dead' paved the way for both the modern zombie (shit!) genre and the 'budget horror story' direction, later shown, but some may say not entirely copied in Tobe Hooper's 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' or Sam Raimi's 'Evil Dead'.

The original 'Dawn Of The Dead' (In my mind, the best and the 'worst' i.e. wet my pants scared 'worst') took the previous film one step further. Not only did it tell a story of survival of a selected few 'living' in a previously abandoned shopping mall, soon to be terrorised by countless undead but also took a sly shot at the idea of mindless consumer culture in America at the time... Some may argue this is still going on everywhere..

..Mmm.. Products.. Disposable plastic goods.. Good...

You can trace all of those b-list films made in the late 60's and early 70's that emulated the early work of Mr. Romero ('The Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue' anyone? Hmm.. ). I reckon some of them are probably worth a good look too...

Now the Zom- *cough* -bie is as marketable a product as, say Mickey Mouse, Beyonce Knowles or Cillit Bang. And this mainstay horror icon of the modern age is found everywhere.. Starring in romantic comedies (The brilliant 'Shaun of the Dead'), as undead 100 metre finalists ('28 Days Later') or computer games/ film adaptations ('Resident Evil').. Ok, not everywhere then.

Perhaps not the most consistent filmmaker to grace this earth, he did however give us all big, big frights, recurrent nightmares (Ah, perhaps that's just me) and an uncomfortable feeling of general "ooh, it's the end of the world, you have no chance of escaping these monsters however well you try and barricade yourself inside that farmhouse/ shopping mall/ police station/ insert easily penetrable building here" type of thang.

George will continue to scare the unliving shit out of you with his fourth film offering in the 'Dead' Series, 'Land Of The Dead'.

I for one, will not be seeing it in the cinema but will be a year or so after it's release on a portable VD player in the back garden on a summer's day with the sound turned right down whilst reading a book.

For everyone else, buy some adult-sized nappies now...

"Mr. Romero, I want to eat your brains!.. Only joking son." B + C + W x.

Friday, June 10, 2005


Query on arranged bricks, wood, metal and other resistant materials

I'm thinking about buying a house.

Any tips from bloggers out there who have coughed up a pretty penny for some brixnmorta??

Any pearls of wisdom to offer or point me in the right direction as regards any pifalls, perils or problems I may encounter?

Honestly, I haven't got a facking clue what I'm looking for.

A few days back I even walked into a fish and chip shop and asked for a house, and the woman looked at me for a bit and then said "Sorry sir, this is a bank. In Australia." So I walked out and caught a plane back home.

Sunday, June 05, 2005


Apologies for the week off/ The Sunday Saviour

I've had a week off, spending most of it with PPQ.

It was a very relaxing time for both of us, yet.. even feels like I've only just come back from a day at school.

I seemed to have been caught in a timewarp whereby everything that has happened over these past 9 days has occurred to me on the way back from work.

But the evidence is against me in this hypothesis.

The car is dirtier, ridden with bits of soil in the boot and empty bottles of drink in the front.

I have a hairy face, so I must not have shaved for a good while. It takes a good 9 days to create any kind of hair on my cheeks.

I have fridge magnets from Falmouth and Llandudno, areas of the UK far between.

I think I haven't just arrived from work, I did go on holiday. But it just went too quickly.

..In all seriousness, it was a lovely break. Cornwall and North Wales. Good stuff.

But like anything that you really really enjoy (-a night out with friends you haven't seen in ages or any other 'good time') and hope to carry on enjoying, it's over far too soon and you're left feeling just a bit cheated because you expected to go on more. Like a fairground ride when you were little.

*sigh* Never mind,.. I know that if I keep moaning I'll get a load of verbal about teachers getting too many holidays etc. so I'll quit on that one..

Ok. Now onto business. You may have noticed I've been slack of late. This is due to obviously not being near a computer, only a load of trees or water. And the last time I looked it was virtually impossible to post a blog using the branch of a horse chestnut or using a saltwater fish. Try it, it's bloody hard going.

This means NO SAVIOURS. Until now.

Without further ado let's just bring on the next saintly character of praise. He's been around before your dad probably. He's still working even now. He's very leathery. But you have to ask yourself one question.

...Do you feel lucky?...


...Do ya?...


*sung in a high pitch* ...Waaa eee eeooww eee eeooowww....

Prayer No.12: Clint Eastwood

A living legend anyone?

Cowboy Clint: Perhaps singlehandedly reshaped the Wild West genre from the clean cut ranch dwellin' folk from 'Bonanza' into a more darker, deadlier, meaner and grittier place to be around (re: The Sergio Leone films, 'The Outlaw Josey Wales', 'Unforgiven')

Cop Clint: Invented the kick ass cop ('Dirty Harry', although you may argue Lee Marvin got there first in 'Point Blank', but then you could back even further.. Ok, but Dirty Harry had a really big gun right? Kickback could break your arm yeah?)

Comedy Clint: Worked with Clive, a huge orangutan who loved to smile a funny grin, drink beer and punch hell's angels whenever possible.

Other Clint: Has done a great many other cool films not rooted in the action genre. ('Play Misty For Me' to name one, and only one for now.)

Director Clint: Won an academy award for 'Million Dollar Baby'. *claps, fires gun into the air* Well done sir!

Ah..: Don't mention 'The Bridges of Madison County'.. Apparently not a lot of Clintophiles warmed to it. Me? Never seen it.. But from cowboys to bridges? Can't see box office potential there, sorry Mr. Eastwood... Never mind, you can't make an omelette without making a few bad films..

"Mr. Eastwood, you've clearly made my day." - B + C + W x.

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