Friday, July 22, 2005


The Friday Fuckwit!

#32 Nick Pickard aka Tony Hutchinson
Ridiculously-Quiffed, Idiotic, Holly-Oaky, Fuckwit

Before anyone points it out - I realise that at the age of ‘almost-27’ I should have stopped watching Hollyoaks about 5 years ago. In some respects I did – well, I stopped concentrating on any form of ‘storyline’ back then. It appears though that despite not knowing what is going on in the show, the lure of at least 15 unfeasibly beautiful girls all living within 10 feet of one another still keeps me coming (back for more) of a Sunday morning, albeit with the sound turned down.

But every now and then I catch a scene featuring this absolute pillock, and it’s enough to really spoil the moment. It really baffles me how a character as awful as Tony Hutchinson has remained in the cast for so long.

Like many long-term soap ‘stars’, this character stopped adding anything to the show years ago. Look at Ken Barlow and Pauline Fowler – crusty old fools who the script writers seem to keep for purely sentimental reasons. Maybe it is just so they keep hold of an ‘original cast member. Apparently the same thing happened in ‘Neighbours’, where writers allegedly filmed 18 weeks-worth of footage featuring the late Helen Daniels when the actress was already dead. Of course, noone noticed.

It appears that Hollyoaks ran out of storylines for the character Tony Hutchinson ages ago. So in order to keep him they’ve made him into a sort of clownlike figure who experiences all manner of unlikely, ‘hilarious’ happenings not seen since ‘One Foot in the Grave’. He has so many sides to his character, from young entrepreneur to former porn star, from town council candidate to psychotic dog poisoner. It has just got beyond a bad joke that wasn’t even funny in the first place.

The answer as to how I rid myself of this irritation is perfectly clear. I stop watching yoof telly on Sunday mornings. Unfortunately, however big a tit Tony Hutchinson is, there are many many finer tits on show and it seems you can’t have one without the other - so I guess I’ll have to put up with him.

Mind you, he’s got me writing FF’s again, so he can’t be all bad…

Thursday, July 21, 2005


A Public Service Announcement…


*straightens tie and checks breath*...

*struts to centre stage*...

*mounts lectern and shuffles a handful of papers*...

*smiles and winks at a cute lady in the third row*...

*clears throat*...

"Ladies and Gentleman. Tomorrow, after an absence of some 5 months there will be, right here on this very weblog, the 32nd Friday Fuckwit"


*shags cute girl from the third row against dressing room door*...

Monday, July 18, 2005



-cking hell...

Just for the record, I just wrote a really long post tonight- AND THE GOD-DAMNED PC JUST CRASHED ON ME.

Sometimes I want to take a hammer to this damn thing..

One day I'll post it again, but it'll take me another 30 mins to write it out...

Hells bells and bloody ding dongs.

Monday, July 11, 2005


The Sunday Saviour

Public Opinion: Much like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea, the Sunday Saviours appear nowadays at random times in the year. Not even on Sundays fercrissake.

Pubic Onion: Well, let's just say that after these next two weeks are up I'm going to be kicking back for a bit and will have some time to keep this lil' old site up and running proper like. Been a bit slack of late, both me and Crumb. I mean, you'd have thought with the two of us here, we'd be able to sort out stuff, like, well; post stuff.

Apparently not. I feel like a bit of a let down, so.. here's the next SS in a long time. Promise to make these a more common thing. Promise.

Ok. Let's get this sermon on the road as we step into the cool sanctums of The Church Of Praise, going a little bit more underground than before. We're going to hear this particular sermon in the cellar of the church. Come, please, it's this way. That's right, take my hand. Here we go, we're through the door now, just get down these old steps. I know it's a bit dark, there are no electrical lights here, only some torches at the bottom that we'll have to light. My, those steps are creaking aren't they? Not a lot of people come down here of late, too damp, the rot has set in, too dangerous... Some people even say it's haunted, but I reckon it's just their imagination. Big old building like this can do that. Ok, we're at the bottom, I'll just light this old torch here-

*click click*

-There we go, a little bit of light on the subject! Right. From here we'll give the sermon. It'll be good, I promise you. ait.. Did you- did you hear that? It sounded like a child's voice, over there in the corner... Almost sounded like laughing.. Did you just hear it? Did you- Wait! Where- where have you gone? Where are you? You were right in front of me and now you're gone!

*the torch is blown out*

Prayer No. 15: Stephen King

...Everyone loves to be scared every now and then don't they?

I love this guy, seriously
love this guy. The first book I ever read of his was Pet Semetary and since then have been a life long fan.

I've not read The Green Mile. That's the only book of his I haven't read. He's just a very good storyteller.

His books make good films;
Misery, The Shining, The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me.. But not when he has a large part to play in them, either directing or writing the screenplay for; Creepshow, Maximum Overdrive, Stephen King's The Shining, Stephen King's Sleepwalker's...(He did help make Stephen King's The Langoliers- and I actually don't mind that particular celluliod gem..)

He has written some of the best horror fiction since, erm, Vincent Poe, or Edgar Allen Price. Think The Shining, think Salem's Lot, think Carrie, think IT, think The Stand (ok, more a story of Good Vx Bad for the freedom of the world than outright horror).. Think of unforgettable short stories
(Night Shift, Skeleton Crew, Everything's Eventual) that will make you squirm in your bed late at night...

When I read Salem's Lot as a young impressionable teenager, each night, I wore a crucifix to bed, just incase one of those vampires managed to come to my window to try to lure me out.. Luckily I only ever got bothered by the Wolfman... And he only ever wanted to borrow some Pantene Pro-V..

Check out his works written with Peter Straub;
The Talisman and Black House.. Also if you like a bit more fantasy, you may want to look out for his epic lifelong project The Dark Tower series, only recently finished which amazingly ties together many of his old stories.

Whatever it is you're looking for, Mr King will gladly oblige... Ok, I suppose it will need to have some horror in it at some point. Well, if you want high courtroom drama buy some Grisham or something. This man only deals in the BOO! business..

"Mr. King, you're scaring me... Thanks." B + C + w x.

Thursday, July 07, 2005


London Bomb Attacks

I just cannot understand this.

I hope everyone who lives in the capital is alright and that everyone you know, friends and family are safe too.

This is just wrong. Totally and utterly evil.

May those of you responsible for this terrifying act on innocent people trying to get on with their everyday lives pay for what you have done.

I suggest you burn in hell, forever.

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