Saturday, January 28, 2006


The Undead: A rant

Damn them all. Oh, hang on, it looks like they already are.

I hate the undead, more specifically I hate zombies. Personally I find them quite scary and not very nice to look at. If I was walking down an alley and suddenly found myself surrounded from both sides by the little sods I'd think that would probably be my all time number one fear.

However, I also realise that this fear is completely unfounded and irrational on my part. "Zombies" do not really exist (No, seriously, they don't, I've looked) and so any almighty fear about them would seem silly, childish and silly.

But fear them I do. Now, I'm referring of course to the hollywod style zombies that were almost the total brain child (brain-zombie?) of a certain George Romero who made 'Night of the Living Dead' all those years ago and spawned a highly lucrative horror sub- genre. I'm not really concerned with the classic 'zombie' that comes from voodoo folklore. Those 'zombies' are fine. They're just simple brainwashed peasants who don't know any better. They're ok. Infact I quite like the idea of a brainwashing.

It's when you see all those manky bits of skin and flesh and sometimes even a twiglet of bone poking out here, there and everywhere. No-one wants to see that! Put it away why don'cha!..

Ah, whats the point, they never listen anyway...

But coupled with this pointless fear of the those shuffling twats, I also have a bone to pick with them (insert bone picking/ flesh eating pun here). I can understand how other horror characters work themselves pretty much. Vampires are understandable, Frankenstein- logical, Werewolves- textbook. But zombies just make up the rules all to themselves. They're like uppity 3 year olds at a birthday party. This is what I mean...

Scenario A

A zombie bites on a living human. The human soons becomes a zombie themselves.

Scenario B

A zombie bites on a living human. Then the zombie continues chowing down until there's not much left of the living human (probably less than living by this time)

Surely this means zombies have a decision making process in thei heads- meat or mate. Shall I eat him or greet him? They basically determine whether the victim is to be devoured or become another zombie.

Well how bloody selfish is that?

And how do they manage to walk around (let alone 'run' like some recent zombies movies have made out they can do)? For god's sake, some of them don't even have calves!

And hang on a second. If zombies eat flesh why don't they eat themselves or other zombies? I for one am fucking confused by this. They make little sense and I don't like them.

As Alan Partridge once said:

"Zombies, by their very nature, are inconsistent."

Above: Alan scares the living shit out of a hotel receptionist

p.s. I probably shouldn't have admitted the fact that I like brainwashing, it may have made me out to look like a bit of a dick.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


I thought about the army...

...If you knew of a highly dangerous man who by all accounts stood against everything you and your society was based on and who was currently running amok and causing thousands upon thousands of pounds in damage all across your beloved land you'd want to sort him out sharpish, right?

You'd want to release merry hell on this indivudal and show him the error and short- sightedness of his ways by unleashing the full awesome firepower and sheer manpower of the armies of your land upon him, surely.

Fine, but don't dispatch one weeny 'war rocket' and give it the toilet clean related name of 'Ajax'. I mean, what the f*** was the army division of Mongo thinking? That shitty little cloud-hopping banger couldn't strike fear into the heart of a Axminster sofa. If they had hearts.

Get it right next time, dipshits.

Above: Gordon upsets the tube again, strikes likely.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


School and my suit

I thought I'd smarten myself up to go to work. I usually wear really crap clothes to work (tan chinos, leather trainer/shoes, all very lazy and not professional looking at all) but this week I decided to wear a proper suit.

Yes, I shocked everyone, staff and pupils alike with my new found look.

Even if one of my students said I look like a gay bank manager...

So I gave him detention...

Then an interest free overdraft.

Monday, January 02, 2006


I Am Jimi Hendrix

The above statement has very little truth in it. It IS true that I did treat myself over the xmas period to a delicious wah-wah pedal from a swift visit to Tin Pan Alley where I also bought a sneaky leccy guitar too.

With the pedal and the guitar I do feel a bit like Mr. Hendrix but as I have slightly f***ed up teeth, I doubt I'll ever be completely adept and playing the axe with my gnashers much to my disappointment. And like I say, I only feel like him, I could never do all of those blinding solos, mostly the best I could achieve would be a wah-wah version of 'Paddy McGinty's Goat.'

I can but I can keep practicing...

Above: My geetar.. kind of..



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