A topic of much controversy I’m sure you’ll agree…

I’m really starting to have my doubts that before the first scarecrow was built anyone actually bothered to carry out a sufficiently large scale demographic test on a range of crows from across crow society – to see what really made them tremble.

It is because of these doubts that I propose that there is no value whatsoever in making your scarecrow scary.

You see, I’m not convinced that your average crow really has the intelligence to make a distinction between the facial expressions of those stick-men erected to frighten them off. Essentially a scarecrow is an artificial person-shaped thing that stands in the middle of a field right? So what if you made a mock-up of the Queen Mother, and stuck her out there? Would your crows be going “Ahhh, she looks really sweet and kind! She’s not going to begrudge us lunch!” Then swoop down and fill their little crow-boots with corn? I don’t think so. I don’t think it matters one jot.

The word scarecrow surely derives from ‘to scare crows’ – but somewhere along the line some bright spark has decided that this means your scarecrow has to look like the lovechild of Freddie Kruger and Sian Lloyd. Not the case folks! The next time you make a scarecrow, don’t waste your valuable time and resources creating some sort of Frankenstein’s monster for your meadow, try making it look like Miss Marple, I think you’ll find her equally effective! In fact, don’t even bother with a face. Get yourself a couple of poles and a red coat, it’ll be alright.

Glad we've got that one sorted out.

Greetings folks! After a six month period of self-imposed blog celibacy I'm back in the harness. I have somewhere to a live, a functional PC and a heck of a lot to say for myself!

Now then, I used to have some readers. Are any of you still there? I never stopped lovin' yas, it just all went a bit tits-up for half a year!

Of course, I've got absolutely toss-all of any interest to say today. Unless anybody knows whether or not hot water actually DOES make a different noise to cold water when you pour it? Or why you never see a dirty rabbit?

Okay then, I'd best go visiting...

"Good things come to those who wait" allegedly.

Well, it's not always true. If you're competing in a marathon and when the gun sounds to start the race, you choose to wait instead of run, you're bound to lose the race. This isn't a good thing.

Equally, when cooking a meal, if you place the food in the oven and simply wait - it will eventually burn. Again, this is not generally thought of as a good thing.

Whilst being held hostage in Beirut, Terry Waite had to wait. He had little else to do except wait and perhaps consider whether he was losing weight. Eventually Terry was released, thus proving that a far better saying that "good things come to those who wait" would be:

"If you wait like Terry Waite waited, good things will happen"

When you're ill life loses some of its shine. You lose taste for things, you don't want to do some of the things you usually enjoy. If you do force yourself to get around and actually do those things you usually enjoy you end up getting upset because its not as much fun as it usually is... Ok so far?

When you're ill everybody else in your life gives off the impression of being aliens from another world who are vibrant, exciting, jumpy and ready for anything. You feel as though you're the only person to have come from the planet Feelshitallthetime. Everybody on this planet is grey, grumpy, full of snot and watches daytime telly...

Everybody else run circles around you at light speed whilst you just grump around feeling sorry for yourself, feeling like you want to be those happy springy aliens and remembering a time when you once felt like that, although it feels like it was years ago...

I'm one of those grumpy aliens. And I really resent having to feel like this. I really resent feeling like this again this month. *** RANT ALERT: *** I mean, doesn't this just say something about me??- about my state of mind, my diet and things that I may think about from time to time? Or something that I can't even begin to classify? Ahh... Forget it. I'm ill. I'm being silly. It must be my lack of vitamin E talking...

Both myself and the girl have both been feeling this way all weekend. Sore throat, congested, achy, coughing, tired, temperature (up and down) and a general "I want to stay in bed" mentality throughout.

To all of the ill people out there right now- I salute you one and all! It's officially rubbishy-cack!

Do you like drinking water?

If you do, you may have gone out to the newsagents or any licensed water seller and bought a bottle of mineral water taken from the fridge (frosty! yet covered in condensation..) or just nabbed off the shelf (although then its warm and rank).

You may have found that a lot of these bottles have those caps that pop up for you to drink from and then when you push the cap down it secures it, making sure the water doesn't escape, however hard you try!

You probably don't need any of your really important documents inside your bag that you're about to take to work covered in water; it doesn't look cool and there's something just not quite right about it..

Therefore readers, always make sure that after you've filled up your bottle of water for the day, that you secure the cap DOWN again before putting it into your bag again; otherwise you could be in for a water-ridden surprise!- like exactly what happened to me this bloody morning... Fannies.

Don't tell no-one right, but it's Crumb's birthday today. He'll be 48 years old (Don't you know that Crumb's my dad?).

He's in Tenerife at the moment soaking it up with Worzel (you remember Worzel right? Did one post here and then buggered off for a year)..

Anyway, I thought it'd be nice to wish him a happy birthday,

*everybody-*

"
For he's a jolly good fellow,
Who looks very good dressed in yellow,
Looks nothing like Marti Pello..
And so say all of us!
"

HIP HIP HOORAY, HIP HIP HOORAY, HIP HIP HOORAY!

...Here's to friends that never change, just age ever so slightly from year to year.